Monday, January 23, 2006

 

I am alive. What more could one write about. Some scars have faded the memories have dimmed. The fire that burned inside me and fed on my anger is smouldering. My life has been reduced to a series of moments that are passed by quickly by idle things. I waste my life away playing a game with friends. There is no satisfaction gained from it. There is no healing happening during it. Nothing is getting better. I could dare say things have gotten worse. However they have sunken below the surface. One of my main reasons for never seeking drugs to stabilize me was I was worried what it would do to me. Whats the point of living if your not feeling things as they are? Would we have had a Poe if he was sedated and kept from the things that made him produce such works? I'm not anywhere near as good as Edgar Allen Poe but ... Some point I will produce something that will be the reason for me being alive. It will be something that I will be rememeberd by. Will that happen if I'm sedated? Would that happen if I was wasting away playing some game? Would Virgina Wolff have written Mrs. Dalloway if she had been normal? How long can I maintain a pretense.. How long until it catches upto me? I havn't been writing. I have been keeping myself from getting in that mindset. Often when I sit down and get in the mood to write or when I let myself fall into that feeling of lonlyness bad things happen. As long as I maintain my mindset of being at work and detached I never fall into that position. Unless I fail. Built up weeks, months overcome me and I get hit. So I am alive. I am not better. I could honestly say I'm worse. I'm running from it instead of embracing it or seeking a cure or help. It is going to be a couple of difficult months. Here I come and watch out... Perhaps if I'm lucky an Epiphany will await me when I hang on the edge. Perhaps St. Peter will appear and save me. Perhaps that story that I am bleeding out onto notepaper will form something that will rock the world. Will my legacy be my death? Will it be instead my life? Millions have suffered and thrived why cannot I?

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